THERE'S NO HOPE! NOTHING! APATHY!

thiz is my little corner of hell mwehehe.
work in the most of progress, at all times, forever.

this page is very inconsistently updated (duh) bc i don't really remember to write, but do feel free to enjoy the occasional waffle on here. [disclaimer that i usually remember to journal when i feel Horrendous - im not going to kms or anything...]

sidenote: from 1.7.2022 onward are ones from my journal that i felt comfortable posting, which is why some parts are redacted.

1.26.2022

i want to be an actual person again. i don't think i’ve been in years. i have no drive to create. im always tired. i just swoop around in my interests of gaming constantly. i used to be such a person. what happened to me. i miss scourge. why am i fucking crying. i miss my stupid fucking cat. why did my mother never get his ashes. he’ll never be with me. why am i fucking crying. it feels like it wasn’t important to her. i know the adhd is real but it fucking hurts. why didn’t either of them get it. why didn’t i ask them i was paying for a goddamn psychologist. sometimes i wish i could just kill myself. i feel okay sometimes but i think im just sleepy now. why do i do nothing. why am i no one. i should look for a therapist again. it would be expensive but i should do it. i literally do not feel like a human being anymore. maybe i never was. maybe im just an image squatting in a rotting corpse. why can i not create anymore. why is my adhd worse. maybe its just me. i wish i was on fucking testosterone. maybe i could do things if my body didn’t make me feel horrible. im so tired. other people can be people pre-t though so maybe its just me. still hurts. i can’t make up routines anymore. i have no sense of time. i feel nothing. constant apathy. i don’t feel like anything i do has meaning or purpose. obviously nothing does in the real sense but everyone seems to have actual passion and drive. i can’t even read anymore sometimes. it hurts. why can’t i fucking do anything i want to do. why do i not interact with people ever. i wish my brain would just work.

no more talking. im just going to do some physics or something.

1.7.2022

realised this is the year closest to my birthday again. its two decades later. i’m so tired. i should write some today. i like the stream of conciousness. im making a new routine. i start writing at 10pm and i don’t stop until i hit wordcount. i don’t know why im so tired today. all i did was make myself breakfast tacos... the alarms in the house went off and scared the cats when i made bacon. maybe the sound wore me out. maybe it was simply my lack of sleep yesterday. i blame the sound partly though. it screeched and i felt so tired right after. and full. should probably go to bed early. i won’t though. i’m going to write 250 words of a character drabble. i don’t have the energy to tackle my book yet.

i want to buy a synth but i know i shouldn’t. if i can get his synth working maybe ill just bring my computer out to the garage or something and play something on monday when he goes back to work. i want to make music. i want to create. but its so hard. why am i consistently so uncreative. i want to create more but i can’t. i can’t and i don’t know why. its not the adhd or the dysphoria or whatever. i just can’t do it anymore. i used to be so creative. it might just be the heavy dissociation. i think it destroyed me. i think it fucked me over.

im so tired. im so tired. why do my family want to go get llamas tommorow. if they do that can i stay home. i will just feel sick if i try to go, i think. [redacted] im just tired. im just so much not there. sorry im not good with people or anything social i guess. i hate that i can’t get excited when they show me something. i don’t mean to be an asshole to them. i just can’t do anything else. i should probably be in therapy again but i hated therapy in the working on myself sense. i don’t /want/ to be a better person. i just want to not have to try to be normal. either leave me alone or deal with the way i am. i hated being in a relationship because even though he was autistic i still had to pretend to be normal like him. i had to pretend to have feelings. i had to pretend i cared. it was exhausting. and i was so goddamn dysphoric.

im going to cry i think. don’t want to and not going to. i hate emotions. this entry is over.

9.12.2021

GAH college is really just. homework central lately. i'm supposed to get my accomodations soon which will (hopefully) help somewhat but still. i just feel so busy. combine that with the fact i really want to finish lotr and play wow and like... damn. like i definitely have time, i know i have time to do everything but adhd just makes me so damn wasteful with it. i haven't even done any homework today even though there's two things i know i have to finish... ugh. at least it's not super hard so far. -_-

7.25.2021

my grandparents have brought up the idea of helping me get my drivers license. idk if its going to happen still, but that would be cool. on other news i've been learning precal super off-and-on. also finished my book last week. its an absolute plot MESS, but ah well. its done and i can write it better now. also finished persona 5 strikers yesterday. it was really good even if the ending/big reveal is basically the same as p5 (they even talk about it lmfao) except with AI. also love how much ND coding there is in the persona 5 universe - first futaba (which is semi canon), yusuke, ryuji (the most obvious adhd male ever), and now ichinose in strikers. its so fucking funny.

7.15.2021

writing this as my boss helps me figure out some confusing code. gahh external components are the worst. we're working in typescript for forum stuff, so there isn't as much documentation. gahhh. anyway im finally enrolled in all my college classes - that was a pain in the ass. i went to an early college hs so i have my associates. this means my hours are tremendously fucked up. so had to send a lot of emails to my academic advisor to figure out 1) if i had to take the freshman req courses (apparently so), and 2) if she could manually do them bc the system saw my hours and went !!!!. also had to wait a month for my transcript to process so now i have math at 8am on mondays. wtf. at least the rest of the week i have another couple hours to sleep. now the only thing i should have to do is my short term loan in a month so that my parents can get the money from the house to pay my college. motivation to keep my grades up... also think i need to use my diagnosis to get a math accomodation. i haven't taken math in a year and i was already constantly running out of time when i did take it. ughhh. that's another thing - i gotta learn precalculus. i haven't taken the damn class in a full year and forgot half of it. so openstax it is... if i have time, ill go through the openstax calculus textbook too.

6.21.2021

haven't written in a while even though i've been coding. hilarious. anyway i had a pretty cool day today. got like 5 fucking cds from half price because they closed the one in the city near me so some of its content went here. they were good shit too. ohgr, thrill kill kult, ministry, nine inch nails, and nirvana. also got volumes 1-3 of wicked + divine plus some vampire blood incense. hell yeah.

4.3.2021

i find social interaction so draining. online i'm fine, but irl makes me wanna puke. i also have not hung out with my friends in months. natural born neet things i guess. i want to bring it up with my psych maybe. ugh,,, speaking of him, i haven't had the energy, time, or thoughts to do some of the things he recommended (like excercise, going outside lmfao). i feel bad but its just not part of my thoughts honestly. i should at least do the excercise part so i don't feel as much like im lying lmfao.

3.23.2021

it's almost been a year lmfao. anyway updatez are 1, im currently hyperfixating on rick sanchez hard as fuck and 2, my programming class this semester is beating my ass. why do i have so much shit to do? oh, also got diagnosed with adhd. it was so fucking obvious it hurts. runs in my family hard too. mom only didn't get me tested because meds or something. i also haven't been in physical school which is doing wonders for me mentally. social interaction is so fucking draining. i'll do a larger waffle tommorow methinks (if i remember)

2.25.2020

hi!!! this weekend i played stardew and modded my pants. so new bondage pants!! they're wack. also i'm literally writing this in TX govt. yeet.

2.21.2020

i want 2 read fanfiction. also i need to turn in some late stuff!! i haven't really seen my pals today because marc had tutoring so i'm just vibing in the library. also i swear i updated this yesterday??? what is going on. i guess i forgot to save, lmao.

2.18.2020

gone 4 a few days by accident. oops. anyway,,, i did my art competition! got 3's though which sucked major ass. i know it isn't that bad, but still. i can do better than a fucking three. also just took my texas goverment test and what the fuck is a PAC?

2.12.2020

guess this is a thing now. huh. i went to my mentorship today and we didn't really do a whole lot because we were working on the datepicker. also my mom is broke but she keeps getting money from others, so that's nice. we finally have milk again. that's all i have to talk about.